Talking is Just Masturbating Without the Mess...

I may be a narcissist, because if I'm being honest, the only reason why I got a blog is because I can't fit my ramblings in my facebook statuses. Sure, I can get little snippets, but let's be honest: the people want more. If no one thought they were funny, I wouldn't have a blog. You should never feed a narcissist, especially after midnight...

My mom thinks the quote, "Talking is just masturbating without the mess." is just disgusting, but I think, when you get the sticky implications wiped clean from your mind, it's actually quite... poignant. It's from the song "Happiness and the Fish" by Our Lady Peace. You talk because the reactions you get from people, or the reactions you think you get, make you feel good. Simple, and at least for me, true.

I think the majority of things in this blog will be shallow observations, mean comments and things I hate, but I've realized that if you add humor to all these things, people don't think you're a shallow, soulless person. Someone who hates everything is a bummer, a Negative Nancy that no one wants to be around, but if you can make it relatable, you're golden.

How to Legitimize the Awful Things We Think
Step 1. Chose from the millions of mean and shallow comments and opinions you formulate throughout the day.
"Ugly girls are a waste of space"
Step 2. Focus on one aspect of that thought, one sect in that group, zero in on something.
Girls who look like men in dresses.
Step 3. Decide how that makes you feel, or the thought that pops into your head.
What. The. Fuck? They have boobs. So why do they look like men? Saying some of them look like men is insulting to men who look good in dresses. How can this be? What happened to them? Is it contagious? Am I right in avoiding these women, if we really want to label them that way? Should I spread the word? Develop Public Service Announcements to save our children from this unfortunate fate?! What can I do to stop this madness?!
Step 4. Decide if this emotion or impression is appropriate.
Eh, this part isn't important.
Step 5. Twist it all up until it sounds good, and you feel that, if you said this to a group of properly emotionally adjusted people, they wouldn't look at you funny.
"I want to figure out what exactly makes some girls look like men in dresses" This makes it seem as though I'm trying to help these women, which in a way, I would if I could. If there was some linebacker shoulder reconstructive surgery, I would recommend these girls. Sure it might be painful, but they'd look good in a dress. They wouldn't scream "I'm a virgin because men find my body intimidating or too much to handle" That thought might be a little mean, but that's an example of what not to do, and if put through the steps it has potential.

These are simply helpful tips, if you don't have the gift, I'm sorry but you will fail. Yes, I find myself funnier than anyone else does, but... There's really no "but" to that. It's sad and I need to get over it. I'm still going to try to write in this blog though, and if you read it and chuckle once or twice, or just find it interesting, or if I can add to the list of things you hate, I'll be perfectly happy.